Surefire ways to make it on my "No" list
Saturday, April 5, 2008
As a matter of self-preservation, I think most freelancers have "no" list. As in, "If ______ ever calls me again, I will not play the gig under any circumstances." I think there are only about three people on my list right now, but it is soon to be four.
I could list some of the heinous behaviors that help a conductor make it onto my "no" list, but it could be summed up quickly like this: Truly Unprofessional Behavior.
I'm playing a musical this week at one of the arts schools in town. This is a school that doesn't have much of a classical music program, thus, they have no horn players (or bassoons or violins) to speak of and they end up hiring people for their yearly musical. This year happens to be the Sondheim show "Into the Woods." Its not a bad show, but it is long and a little tedious when you have to play it six or seven times in a week.
One of the things I like about playing shows (also opera and ballet-- basically anything in an orchestra pit) is that there are so many things going on. When it goes well, it is just a train that keeps on chugging along like the Little Engine That Could. When everyone involved knows what they're doing and how to make it happen, three hours in an orchestra pit can be almost pleasant and sometimes downright fun. A great deal of camaraderie and lighthearted shenanigans can keep things amusing, and the whole experience doesn't have to be like a bad trip to the dentist.
Do I need to tell you that this production is not one of those pleasant, fun experiences?
Last night, I witnessed a conductor have a total breakdown on the podium. Now, there was a lot of crap happening on stage. (Sidebar: I can't see anything that's happening onstage, so I just have to guess what's happening from the missed cues and frustrated looks of the conductor.) Actors were missing cues right and left, there were a few dropped lines, and I think that one or two of them might be getting sick. (That's the only justification I have for the INCREDIBLY flat singing that was happening in one or two tunes.)
But as we all know, in theatre, SHIT HAPPENS.
But when a conductor starts to get so frustrated and angry that he begins to take it out on the orchestra who, consequently, have nothing to do with the shitshow that's raining down on the stage, I just can't handle it. In a big production, we all know our place (or should, anyway.) My job is to play the notes, follow the cues, and not get too lost in the Metro Crossword during my tacets. The conductor's job is to take it all in stride and not get so angry that he starts missing cues, shouting at the cast from the pit, and stomping his foot to make the tempo happen the way HE wants it to. He also started apologizing when he would get angry and miss cues, thus causing him to miss more cues. It all just started snowballing last night from the opening number, and things didn't improve at all in the first act. The second act was a little better, but only in that I wasn't contemplating what would happen if I just left.
And one final benchmark of this individual's inept-ness: At just about every intermission, he announces his faults and promises to fix them. Last night, we did get an apology for his tantrums and a promise that he would calm down. The previous night, we got a promise that he would be "super clear" in the second act. And I wouldn't mind those admissions if I actually had any reason to believe them. His heart is in the right place, and he knows that he's not helping anything. But then his job is to fix it. Empty promises are just that to me: empty.
This conductor really is a nice man, but for the pittance I am making on this gig, last night he graduated to my "no" list. As in, when he calls next time, I'm busy. I might be busy sitting at home watching season five of "The Wire," wallowing in the fact that I have no money, but I'm definitely too busy to play the show.
Posted byL. at 11:14 AM
Labels: conductors, gigs, pits
